Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Wally World

I feel like I can't ever be the person I dream of being because I shop at Walmart.  And not every time we go to the store.  But the weeks where we need to get toilet paper and a birthday present as well as groceries.  

I feel like the produce is fake.  Not that it's actually unreal.  Just that it seems, feels, appears to be less real.  I imagine in coming from a giant factory where immigrant workers who don't know any English.  

We buy the advertised laundry detergent and name brand Rotel.  

I just feel like, when I was in college, I dreamt of a different life.  

I dreamt of only eating meat that was humanely raised and slaughtered.  I dreamt of buying Organic food that could be traced back to an actual place.  I dreamt of a home that had style.  Maybe it was would be kind of eclectic style, but style nonetheless.  I dreamt of a job where I had a desk.  

And Walmart makes me feel sad.  

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Don't read this, I bore myself

Please forgive the stream of conscious.  This post is too long.  

 I should have been better a better student.  I should have stayed after class just to shoot the breeze with my professors.  
I am seriously considering going back to graduate school to become a Speech Language Pathologist.  And for the first time in my life, regarding my academic career, I feel the need to be competitive.  Maybe it's the wedding-high, maybe it's my age, odds are it was a week in Disney World.  But I've got this you can do whatever you set out to do mindset.  
I know I am bright.  I know I am.  I can be sharp, shrewd.  I can be professional and charismatic; charming even, if the light hit me right.  
But I've set my goals high.  I am going to shoot for the best SLP programs in the nation.  I have to try.  They might consider me.  I could get in.  My mother did.  And I am as sharp as my mother.  Albeit, not as driven, but if I could just fake the drive long enough....

I feel like I'm made up of unfinished sentences right now.  If I had... If I could... If they just... if... if... if...

For most of the programs, 3 letters of recommendation are required, 2 from former educators.  This is my biggest hitch.  I had professors I knew well, I had professors I stayed late and chatted with.  But I didn't tap into the potential of the kind of relationship I needed.  And it's been 4 years since I've had classes with some of those.  Asking for a letter of recommendation seems so silly.  Would they even remember me?  I did nothing of note.  My presence in their class barely sticks out in my own mind.  I'm screwed.  Unless I go back to school to fulfill some more requirements and then really butter up the professors, I don't see how I can meet this requirement adequately enough to get into the best SLP program in the nation.  
What else would have helped: participating in a research program.  I did a few research projects that I poured myself into, but they were for a grade and I did them independently, not for the university or anything like that.  
I just.  I just want to try.  

The person above is either moving in or moving out.  Or bowling.  

I feel like my apartment complex is the home to the daily tiny dog parade.  It's kind of not fair.  I'd really like a tiny dog.  But then I think about all that comes with having a tiny dog.  Random sleepovers when you're at your friends' or sister's, can't happen.  You have to let them out at 5am.  They want in your bed and you don't want them there.  They're hairy and they track dirt in.  Accidents on the carpet.  Sometimes they just sit in front of you while you're reading and whine and you're like "I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT," so you feed them peanut butter.  

We got to go to our homes this weekend.  Friday evening Zach's parents.  Saturday evening my parents.  
Zach's more accustomed to being out of the house than I am.  I finished a book the other night/ morning (4am- it was one of those must-finish-tonight books) and then was the only one awake and the story is a cliff hanger and it was melancholy and I was homesick.  I've been really solid since the honeymoon.  Like returning to the apartment, not my parent's house, finalized something.  But it's stupid.  I miss my dad.  I miss my mom.  I miss Becky.  I feel like they need me there to take care of them and I'm not and they're all going to implode.  

Zach and I have decided to train for another half marathon.  Last time I weenies out and only did a 5k.  I just was at a point with my job and planning the wedding and training that my stress level was choking me and I knew I had to choose to cut out what I could.  But this time.  This time I've got nothing but time.  I've got a sense of how I run in a race.  I can do it.  I know I'm fully capable.  

The job search is still moot.  I don't know where to look.  I mean, I do, but I don't.  If I so chose to go into Speech Language Pathology, specifically to work with children, the smartest thing now would be to work with children.  But I am not a teacher.  I've been burned by the paraprofessional program.  I've applied at a few daycares to be a teaching assistant.  It's not that I don't think I could be a lead teacher in a daycare classroom, but I'm really not qualified.  But those options are limited with the immediacy with which I need work.  So I've also applied at about 1800 (exaggerating-duh) retail places.  I've got retail experience.  

It's just, if the stars align just right and I get into graduate school somewhere, I have to really be sure this is the career I choose.  And that feels like a lot of pressure.  I have a fair amount of student loans out in my name already.  I would have to take them out again, because God knows I don't have the money.  It has to be worth it.  Absolutely worth it.  

It has been one full month since I got married.  What a wonderful day, I can see now why it is such a monumental event.  We have yet to get pictures to choose from, but I think we will soon.  And marriage is so wonderful.  I thought it would feel weird, never having to leave Zach, but it felt right.  Like, leaving him what the weird thing, not what had been the norm.  We've had spats and I never realized before how much he rolls around in his sleep, but it's the beginning of the best choice I've ever made.  

Since I'm not working, I've been devouring books lately.  I finished 50 Shades of Grey, which I hate that I liked.  I finished Insurgent, which was so good.  I'm almost done with the fourth Harry Potter book again.  I started the second 50 Shades of Grey book.  It feels wonderful.  I love reading.  

I'm at a point in my life where I could make everything change.  Or let it all stay exactly the same.  
For another day, I suppose.

Thursday, July 12, 2012


It's 11:45am on a Thursday.  I'm showered, dressed, ready for the day.  
Sitting on the couch, filling applications, watching Phantom of the Opera, surrounded by a myriad of books.  

The wedding is over, the honeymoon is over, and I am still happy.  I love my husband.

But I am unemployed and feel very wandery.  I wake up close to when Zach does, maybe an hour later.  Shower.  Clean the apartment.  Do laundry.  Dishes.  Keep myself busy.  

I'm so painfully domestic.  The highlight of my day is when Zach comes home for lunch or I have a reason to go to the store.  I have become a housewife.  I even just finished 50 Shades of Grey (guilty smile).  

I revel in it, though.  When I'm employed, nothing is as wonderful as a day off.  And I have so much time to devour books and watch movies.  

Money is tight, but I want to be wary in my job selection this time around.  I want to maybe not look forward to, but not detest going to work.  

All in all, life is good.  I am lucky enough to see friends and family regularly.  

I think now we need a dog.  :)

-Kate {midst name changes}

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Boxes of Wedding Things

We're unpacking a little bit more everyday.  
Being married get a little less weird everyday.

Last night Zach and I were putting clothes away.  And I saw how bizarre it was for my clothes to be in his dresser.  And my book shelf to have his picture frames on it.  
And I sat on my bed and cried while he held me.  
And I missed my mom. 
And my wedding bouquets were dying.
And my wedding gown hangs with my veil in my closet taunting me, saying "you never get to wear me again."

And I suddenly understand why people have boxes of wedding things.  Being it's so emotionally significant.  I want to cling to my dress.  
I want everybody I love to be in the same place at once again.  

Even if the day was busy, and a little bit hectic and seemed to go by so quickly.  And the day after all you could think about was how you didn't get a picture with your two sisters.  

So I stopped unpacking and laid on the couch with my head on Zach's lap with my bear in my arms and watched Friends.  
Because, I'm actually a child masquerading as a capable adult.

It's coming together and we leave for our honeymoon Sunday.  And then I'll find a job and won't be sitting at home alone all day anymore.

For the record, I'm blindingly happy.  I'm just swollen emotionally.  


Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Wedding Wake

I'm married.  It's awesome.  Except I'm unemployed.

I'm still in the wakes of the wedding hurricane, but all I can say is what a wonderful wonderful day.  Zach by my side the whole time, these lovely ladies keeping me together, my beautiful parents and family.

That's why people are sad after weddings.  Because all your family was there and you barely had time to enjoy them.

I'm blogging momentarily at the Starbucks by our apartment because we don't have internet yet.

I can't say enough loving things about my wedding.



Monday, April 16, 2012

Matter of days

Hogan Easter Cadbury Martini

Wedding: 58 days
Last day of school: 37 days total, 27 school days, 6 weeks

It's 12:30am right now.  I took a nap after school today and ended up sleeping until like 9:30.  It has been that kind of day.  

All is mediocre. 

Wedding planning is in full fledged take-over mode.  My to do list is long, what I cross off daily is few, and I am out of money for any of it.  Thankfully, I have wonderful parents who want to pay for their daughter's wedding.  
But it's fun and it keeps me busy and it keeps me happy because I am excited to marry Zach, to live with Zach, to be his wife and I am excited to have a wonderful and dream come true wedding.  I can't way to have all of the pictures and video after the fact.  
A lot needs to be done still.  But a lot has been done.  

We've found a wonderful apartment to move into.  My sister would like it if we lived in a bigger space, but this one just felt like us.  It felt perfect.  I can see us there.  It's small, but we don't have much yet.  Besides, I feel in love with the tiny door on the pantry.  

My job is moot.  It is stressful.  

My marathon training kind of fell to the side.  Well, more like, I opted to place it to the side in order to not die from impending pressures from work and wedding planning.  It was a choice and I'm glad I made it.  But I'm going to try to run the half marathon next weekend anyway.  It's going to go so badly.  I know it; I'm not ready for it.  But I might be able to do it.  Oh well.

I get asked a lot about what I am going to do job wise when I move to Kansas City.  Like I know.  Honestly, like I care.  It doesn't even matter.  I will do something and it will be different.  I might work retail to have an income while I make covenants with myself to do something I enjoy.  

But most of my days look the same.  I wake up, go to work, then come home and decompress for hours on pinterest, or talk to my mom and hug my puppies.  I seriously love pinterest.  My weekends are spent with Zach, Haley and Andrew and various wedding tasks.  And attempts to clean and prepare for another week.

I didn't pack a lunch for tomorrow. I will regret my unpreparedness in the morning.  But not enough to get out of bed and do it now.  I think I'm going to pretend that today wasn't like it was, close my eyes, snuggle with my kitty and try to sleep.  


Friday, January 27, 2012

For Better or Worse

The shadow of my engagement ring on my hand while I read a wedding prep book.  

It's like wedding art or something.  I've got so much cleverosity.  

- Kate