Blue

It's like an itch I just can't reach.

I'm nearly squirming.  

I don't know what I want. 
Which, in theory, makes it feel impossible to be happy.


I've been rereading all of my diaries.  I started journaling in like 1999.  
If this idea ever enters your mind, don't do it.
You just relive everything.  Everything that was wonderful - you miss it.  Everything that made you feel terrible - still makes you feel terrible.


Plus, my entries were so stupidly stupid, I couldn't even stomach reading myself until I got to like 2004.  


Tuesday I had two interviews and.............

 a facial peel!

See that line down my face?  That's a freaking tear streak.  

This is called an Obagi Blue Peel.  I had it done in order to improve acne scars left over from freshman year.  I've been debating it for like, 2 years now.  And I did it.  They put blue chemical on your face.  The dermatologist said, "it'll sting."  What he should have said was, "it'll feel like you're dying, but it'll be really really brief."

Anyway, that's what it felt like.  

The last few days, the blue has faded, my skin has felt SO tight and then peeled off (gross, I know).  It's real red right now, but I think it'll look great.

Oh, and I got hired.

But I don't feel happy.  

But, I don't really know why.  I sound like I'm 15.  

I roll my eyes at myself.

Is it living at home, missing seeing friends, maintaining relationships, trying to plan my wedding, not seeing Zach but for once or twice a week, money, feel out of control most of the time?

Yes.

But, hey, technically I'm employed full time now, so I'm going to pretend like this 3 day weekend is somehow different than the last month or so and soak up my free time or something.  

Ok, whatever. 

Blog post done.

Retrain

I was almost doing really well.  My circadian rhythm is nonexistent these days.  
Tonight I tried.  I'm having breakfast with a great friend bright and early in the morning before she flies back to chi-town.   
At about 11 I took a nice bath. 
By midnight, I was tucked into bed.  No computer on, no movie playing.  I read a book for a while and then turned off the light and got on my Nook.  Then after an hour and a half or so of reading Water for Elephants, I clicked off my Nook and snuggled into bed.  
Ahhh, sleep.
Elusive sleep.
I'm actually mostly healthy, other than this.  I take various vitamins since I paused my meat eating, I drink a ton of water, I walk/ jog for 30 minutes pretty much daily.  But regular sleep is so imperative, that without it, I'm really not healthy at all.  
So, naturally, I googled "i can't sleep what should i do."  A few sites have said if you can't sleep after 30 minutes or so, get out of bed.  Something about associating the bed with not sleeping la la la.  
So here I am.  Blogging.  And watching Friends, Season 8. Actually, Season 8, the Thanksgiving episode- one of the better ones.  I freaking love this show.  
TV and computer, two things the sites also say to avoid.  
But they do suggest getting your thoughts out of your head.  

The other day I was watching this show on TLC about obsessions, or collectors or something like that.  It's not Hoarders; that show freaks me the heck out.  No, like, seriously.  I turn it off.  And throw away everything within my line of sight.  

But it's the same concept.  People's lives becoming consumed by things.  

There was this woman who had like thousands and thousands of shoes.  Like miniature shoes, shoes for your feet, earring shoes, breakfast in the shape of a shoe....stuff that I think is tres loco.  

But we can't be that far off.  I mean, everybody has their something, right?

A few years ago, right after my grandma died, I wondered if when she was in her hospital bed, she thought of her things.  It was one of those freeze-where-you're-standing realizations.  What if I'm on my death bed thinking of my things?  

The woman who loved shoes, she said when she died, she was going to be surrounded by shoes.  What did she mean?  What could she possibly have meant?  Does she think when she dies, she'll go to a heaven of shoes?  Or does she imagine that she'll be buried, it'll be a coffin with shoes?  And the bigger question: Why?  

Another woman was obsessed with dolls.  She said it was because she had such strong maternal instincts.  My initial response is, then be around children.  Like ......real children.  This woman takes care of these dolls, rocks them to sleep, gives them binkies, strokes their hair.  I imagine her channeling that maternal instinct, like, volunteering with babies.  Reading stories to them.  Or at least be a Duggar.  

Why does this show irk me so much?  (Yes, I just said irk.)  

For like 18 million reasons.  But here are 5

1. With the money they've spent on these collections- they could have paid for years of my college education.  Or at least my wedding.  
2. These people have isolated themselves. 
3. They could channel their passion into something really societally productive.
4. The doll collection CREEPS me the eff out.  
5. They're missing something.  By being uncontrollably obsessed, they are missing face time with people. 

On another note, I need to stop chewing on my lip.  It's gettin Black Swan up in here.

On another nother note, I don't think I've lost any weight.  However, I have bought a few shirts a size larger than I normally wear so my body thinks it's lost weight and it is so happy about it.

I'm trying to sort out weddingness.  There should be a handbook.  Not like a white, swirly writing, plan-your-wedding-in-this-book, here's a smiley face book.  Like a real, vulgar, honest, hang on girl-this shit's gonna freak you out-but in the end, it's all about love-but seriously, stop reading love stories/ watching those darn movies book.  

Have I found a job?  No.  Has it even been a month?  Yes, I month to the day.  Do I like it?  Mostly no.  Is the house clean?  Yes.  

What?  Kate can't find a job?  

Go ahead, laugh. 

Next, let's see how I did with my summer reading list. 

Harry Potter Series 

-Currently reading book 4.  Didn't exactly make it through the series in the summer.  

Ender's Game

City of Bones 

Perfect Chemistry

The House of the Scorpion

Divergent

The Book Thief

Not too shabby.  

Plus Water For Elephants.  

Ok, I'm going to finish this episode of Friends and then go to sleep.   

I know I'm up too late when I'm hungry again.  

I feel like Bridget Jones.

-Kate

Going Primal

I have a lot to say but to say it would make me vulnerable.

So I use pictures for now.

My art book.  Only $9.95

The couch in my basement room has 6 throw pillows. 6.

A Ba'hai prayer book.

The Holy Bible.  All books tabbed beautifully by my mother.

Sometimes it has answers.

Friends Season 4.

A visual taste of where my thoughts have been the last few days, all framed by my ever so masculine comforter.  

Checking out.

Kate

I am a bird

I am vulnerable.  Sometimes I just feel too much.  Sometimes it's like I'm swollen with feeling.  I can feel my emotions pumping through my veins.  They swirl.  With every step, I'm teaming with thoughts.  


In the last 3 months, I promised a man I would marry him, graduated college, moved out of my Mass House and back into my parents' home, and now, quit my job.  


So, now that I have stretches of time to just think, I decided I'm going to channel my 18 year old self.  

Because, let's face it, 18 year old Kate was fabulous.  18 year old Kate felt free, never doubted religion, had plans.  She ran (ok, jogged) daily, was experimental and fell in love with her major.  She was freshly tattooed and totally a hippie.  18 year old Kate was a barista at a crappy coffee shop.  Of course, I was hilarious.  And all I wanted out of life was to be good, to love everyone, to know myself.  


I was so much cooler than I am now.  


So 22 year old Kate has high standards to meet.  If I don't regrasp myself, I'll all but dissolve.  


So here's the plan: no plan.  Let it fall into place.  I'm keeping my nose ring (the ring, not the stud) in, because I'm not working for Bed Bath and Beyond anymore.  I'm going to sleep in my pearls.  I'm going to watch Friends and Glee and let myself fall to pieces so I can move on.


I'm going to be face the world with Zach right by my side and it's going to be okay.  


On a less melancholy note, I'm going to have a good week.  


-Kate

Time to Think

Yesterday I had my 1 year review at Bed Bath and Beyond.  Everything was great, I'm above average, I'm well versed in the entire store, front end, soft lines, hard lines and I'm a great Bridal Consultant and those are things you find at every store.  So can I have a raise?  Absolutely.  17 cents.  Wtf.  


So, it's been about 6 weeks since I graduated from KU.  And on this beautiful day, where it's about 75 degrees outside, my dogs are playing, I got to sleep in til at least 11:30.  But at 2:45, I have to leave Topeka for a closing shift starting at 3:30.  That commute is so much wasted time.    


I still work at Bed Bath and Beyond.  In Lawrence.  Why?  That's a great question.  I stay because I need to make money.  Even though I'm living at home, I still would drive to Lawrence to see Zach.  And I want to put money aside for our wedding.  I don't transfer to Topeka, because I don't want to be there that much longer.  But I honestly haven't poured my heart into finding a job.  Like career job.  


I'd like to find something that I couldn't have gotten without my degrees.  But I don't have a plan.  Before I graduated, I didn't really, seriously think about how to make a career out of a Linguistics major and a Classical Antiquities major and an English minor.  I have no idea what I want to do.  I could tell you all the things I don't want to do.  


But there isn't a career path for people with majors like mine.  


And I feel like I work 7+ hours every other day.  I have no regular days off.  So I don't have chances to fix up my resume, drive around picking up applications, browse online for jobs.  Not enough time.  I've considered just leaving my job.  It'd give me the time I need to clear my head.  That's what I said before I graduated.  I was going to move home and then there'd be time to clear my head, down time, time to think.  But there'd be no income.  And I'm the one who pays my loans.  


There it is.  I mean, that is the trapping reality of life.  I have to make money.  Because I'm in debt.  I have to do it.  There is no more down time.  


I'm going to request to cut my hours back.  That's what I'll do.  It's a decent compromise.  I want to talk it out with Zach first, but I'd still make enough money to pay loans and save some for the wedding.  But I'll have more time.  That's what I need.  Time.  


Ok, ok.  Done.  

Trumpets

I sure love the Ben Folds song Army.  Just.  Yeah.  Been thinkin a lot today.  


Being engaged is so fun.  Friends are coming out of the woodwork with tips, ideas, support, friendship.  It's the best.  And my engagement ring is oh so sparkly.  


My life has been significantly better since I've adjusted to my newish life.  


The basement is shaping up pretty nicely.  There are still a lot of things that I want to happen, but it's a step by step project.  


Although I haven't yet found that elusive full time career, I'm a decent enough employee at work that when I asked for a few more hours a week, I've been consistently scheduled 25+ hours a week.  It's a blessing and a curse.  I get paid to work.  Blessing.  I have to work.  Curse.


I walked around the lake with Katie and McKenna tonight, both whom I love so much.  The level of giggles and awesomeness exceed normality.  It's bliss.  And we're having a girly night in Lawrence next week.  It feels good.  


Also, I'm typing on my new Macbook Pro, which my parents got for me for graduation.  They insist I earned it and I'm grateful for their generosity.  

Becky is the best Maid of Honor ever.  She is always listening to me so patiently.  Even when I kind know my opinion is wrong, she hears me out.  Not even only about wedding stuff. 

But I'll have to work again tomorrow morning.  You know, 6 hours is just an hour too long and an hour too short simultaneously.  5 hours, you can distract yourself enough that it'll go by fast enough.  7 hours you get a lunch break to break up the day.  6 hours, you're watching the clock, starving and tired of being there.  

Sleepy time.  

Summer Reading

Warning: Not interesting blog post




This is my summer reading list:

• Harry Potter Series (Ideally by July 15, but I just started HP1 today)
• Ender's Game
• City of Bones (Emily said to)
• Perfect Chemistry (I love sweet and conflicted love stories)
• The House of the Scorpion
• Divergent
• The Book Thief

Yes.  That will be summer.  I mean, of course I should be planning my wedding as well as trying to find a full time job to jump start my career.  But, you know, other than that.

Kate