On Love and Sadness

It's 8am on a Wednesday.  I'm watching Tom and Jerry.  Unfortunately, it's almost over and there is nothing else on.  I don't normally (ever) get up this early, but Zach has gone to work and I can't sleep.  


Maybe it's because everything sucks.  And I hate myself for thinking everything sucks, because it really doesn't.  


I feel absolutely saturated in disappointment because my graduation was supposed to be the highlight of my year, a celebration with pictures of myself and my happy family on the stadium field,  but it was the worst.  I spent the entire day either exhausted or in tears.  And I've cried like a baby about it every day since.  
I needed that moment.  


And I hate myself for my lack of ability to just get over it.  It really was no one's fault.  Normally, I'm really good about recognizing what I can't change and moving on.  


And to add insult to injury, I have to be out of my house by tomorrow evening.  I can't say that it won't be a little bit of a relief for something new, but this was my home away from home for two years.  Although we had our drama, this house will be remembered as the peak of my college.  We had a lot of laughs.  Group naps.  Decathalons.  Say Yes to the Dress marathons.


And it's over.  And I'm moving home.  Home, while my friends are leaving the state or spending summers helping others.  Home where my mom is and where I'm safe and where I don't have to spend money.  


Plus, my engagement, for all of the excitement it means, and trust me, I'm excited, means A LOT of changes.  Giving up Hogan holiday traditions.  Giving up my last name.  


And I wish I had a full time job to be proud of or to look forward to, even to dread.  Something other than the abyss of planlessness while I live at home and commute to my crappy part time job in Lawrence.  


I don't want to hear about how grateful I should be, because I know.  I know and I really am and in time, I'll blog about how awesome everything is.  
Just let me get this out.  


Kate

Sparkliest Promise Ever

I'm ENGAGED!  I can't take my eyes of the ring except to look at the man I love.  I'm so freaking excited.

I also don't even know where to begin. 

But mostly I'm tired and I'm writing because my roomates blogged today.

Gotta keep up. 
Eventually I'll type up something insightful.

But I've been engaged for a week and I'm pretty sure the excitement never ever ends. 
Seriously guys, the ring is STUNNING. 

Zach is the greatest. 

-Kate

Effington

I have this dress that is the perfect shade of KU blue.  It waits patiently unworn in my closet for May 22nd, 2011. 

At this point in my life, I am trying to determine what it means to be Kate Hogan at age 22.

22 is a peculiar age in itself for anyone.  I am not 21 anymore, so that stigma is gone.  But I'm now a 20 something.  I am graduating from college in almost exactly one month.  I have good friends who are married.  Good friends who are engaged.  Good friends who are leaving the state soon to pursure careers.  Good friends who are still going to be living their college life.  Good friends, who, like me, will move back to their parent's homes in May.  Good friends who are combinations of those.  At 22 plus or minus some, we are all in different places in our lives. 

I've got this movie in my mind of Effington. 

I feel as if I have a self who desires to be barefoot, unbrushed hair with my nose ring in talking about peace and the love of a God I once really knew, who wants to spend large amounts of time in nature rain or shine.  Somebody who doesn't like to be fussy and just wants to live an unstructured life, following my heart and intuition. 

I have another self who wants to feel pulled together and be the ever so stylish and classy leader.  Part of me really yearns for a set schedule and regularity and consistency.  With a desk job and safety and normalcy.  Part of me wants to be an intellect.  I want to be really knowledgable about whatever I do. 

I have a self that aches for the past.  I've never gotten over that.  That tears up looking at pictures of myself with Jason or coming across a piece of paper from Institute.  Or outright cries while watching the video from my summer with Project Transformation. 

But I am still part my mother who is easy going and fun loving, yet focused and easily makes conversation.  And I am still part my father who adores relaxation, family time, little luxeries and has a tendency to spontaneously spend. 

I just wish to close my eyes and feel like I'm both sure of and content with who I am.  Clarity.  But there are too many unsure things.   

Normal people do it too.

I imagine I am on the brink of a betrothal to a certrain young man and I'm quite eager for it.  But that makes this point in my life more undefinable.  I am not yet engaged.  But I am more than just a girlfriend I think. 

As I am searching for a full time job (not to mention trying to narrow down a career path) I am trying to reconcile these many Kates.

When my mind feels so scrambly, I tighten the circle of people who I called friends. 

But in approximately 5 weeks I will walk down the hill in that blue dress. 
With a KU pin, I will sing the Alma Mater. 

Making my way to Normal, Illinois.

Word.
-Kate

Alexander the Great

Another day of last minuteness.  Currently in the library typing up an article summary due in half an hour.  Also, checked out books I needed for my 6-8 page paper due tomorrow at 9:30am.  Will be working from 3:30-9:30 after getting out of class at 3. 

Lovely, self.  Lovely.

Oh well.  Had a fantastic weekend.  Details to come.

Kate

Coffee is cold

How's your paper going, self?  You know, that paper comparing Nature scenes in relation to humanity in the Aeneid and Julius Caesar that you didn't go to your Semantics class so you could spend time finishing up and editing? 
Oh so well, but I'm taking a break to create a blog. 

Cool.

I'm in love with that dog, Daisy.  She's 10 pounds of adorable.  She's my roomates, post end-of-her-engagement present to herself.  And to the roomies.

Kate