I am a bird

I am vulnerable.  Sometimes I just feel too much.  Sometimes it's like I'm swollen with feeling.  I can feel my emotions pumping through my veins.  They swirl.  With every step, I'm teaming with thoughts.  


In the last 3 months, I promised a man I would marry him, graduated college, moved out of my Mass House and back into my parents' home, and now, quit my job.  


So, now that I have stretches of time to just think, I decided I'm going to channel my 18 year old self.  

Because, let's face it, 18 year old Kate was fabulous.  18 year old Kate felt free, never doubted religion, had plans.  She ran (ok, jogged) daily, was experimental and fell in love with her major.  She was freshly tattooed and totally a hippie.  18 year old Kate was a barista at a crappy coffee shop.  Of course, I was hilarious.  And all I wanted out of life was to be good, to love everyone, to know myself.  


I was so much cooler than I am now.  


So 22 year old Kate has high standards to meet.  If I don't regrasp myself, I'll all but dissolve.  


So here's the plan: no plan.  Let it fall into place.  I'm keeping my nose ring (the ring, not the stud) in, because I'm not working for Bed Bath and Beyond anymore.  I'm going to sleep in my pearls.  I'm going to watch Friends and Glee and let myself fall to pieces so I can move on.


I'm going to be face the world with Zach right by my side and it's going to be okay.  


On a less melancholy note, I'm going to have a good week.  


-Kate

Time to Think

Yesterday I had my 1 year review at Bed Bath and Beyond.  Everything was great, I'm above average, I'm well versed in the entire store, front end, soft lines, hard lines and I'm a great Bridal Consultant and those are things you find at every store.  So can I have a raise?  Absolutely.  17 cents.  Wtf.  


So, it's been about 6 weeks since I graduated from KU.  And on this beautiful day, where it's about 75 degrees outside, my dogs are playing, I got to sleep in til at least 11:30.  But at 2:45, I have to leave Topeka for a closing shift starting at 3:30.  That commute is so much wasted time.    


I still work at Bed Bath and Beyond.  In Lawrence.  Why?  That's a great question.  I stay because I need to make money.  Even though I'm living at home, I still would drive to Lawrence to see Zach.  And I want to put money aside for our wedding.  I don't transfer to Topeka, because I don't want to be there that much longer.  But I honestly haven't poured my heart into finding a job.  Like career job.  


I'd like to find something that I couldn't have gotten without my degrees.  But I don't have a plan.  Before I graduated, I didn't really, seriously think about how to make a career out of a Linguistics major and a Classical Antiquities major and an English minor.  I have no idea what I want to do.  I could tell you all the things I don't want to do.  


But there isn't a career path for people with majors like mine.  


And I feel like I work 7+ hours every other day.  I have no regular days off.  So I don't have chances to fix up my resume, drive around picking up applications, browse online for jobs.  Not enough time.  I've considered just leaving my job.  It'd give me the time I need to clear my head.  That's what I said before I graduated.  I was going to move home and then there'd be time to clear my head, down time, time to think.  But there'd be no income.  And I'm the one who pays my loans.  


There it is.  I mean, that is the trapping reality of life.  I have to make money.  Because I'm in debt.  I have to do it.  There is no more down time.  


I'm going to request to cut my hours back.  That's what I'll do.  It's a decent compromise.  I want to talk it out with Zach first, but I'd still make enough money to pay loans and save some for the wedding.  But I'll have more time.  That's what I need.  Time.  


Ok, ok.  Done.  

Trumpets

I sure love the Ben Folds song Army.  Just.  Yeah.  Been thinkin a lot today.  


Being engaged is so fun.  Friends are coming out of the woodwork with tips, ideas, support, friendship.  It's the best.  And my engagement ring is oh so sparkly.  


My life has been significantly better since I've adjusted to my newish life.  


The basement is shaping up pretty nicely.  There are still a lot of things that I want to happen, but it's a step by step project.  


Although I haven't yet found that elusive full time career, I'm a decent enough employee at work that when I asked for a few more hours a week, I've been consistently scheduled 25+ hours a week.  It's a blessing and a curse.  I get paid to work.  Blessing.  I have to work.  Curse.


I walked around the lake with Katie and McKenna tonight, both whom I love so much.  The level of giggles and awesomeness exceed normality.  It's bliss.  And we're having a girly night in Lawrence next week.  It feels good.  


Also, I'm typing on my new Macbook Pro, which my parents got for me for graduation.  They insist I earned it and I'm grateful for their generosity.  

Becky is the best Maid of Honor ever.  She is always listening to me so patiently.  Even when I kind know my opinion is wrong, she hears me out.  Not even only about wedding stuff. 

But I'll have to work again tomorrow morning.  You know, 6 hours is just an hour too long and an hour too short simultaneously.  5 hours, you can distract yourself enough that it'll go by fast enough.  7 hours you get a lunch break to break up the day.  6 hours, you're watching the clock, starving and tired of being there.  

Sleepy time.  

Summer Reading

Warning: Not interesting blog post




This is my summer reading list:

• Harry Potter Series (Ideally by July 15, but I just started HP1 today)
• Ender's Game
• City of Bones (Emily said to)
• Perfect Chemistry (I love sweet and conflicted love stories)
• The House of the Scorpion
• Divergent
• The Book Thief

Yes.  That will be summer.  I mean, of course I should be planning my wedding as well as trying to find a full time job to jump start my career.  But, you know, other than that.

Kate

On Love and Sadness

It's 8am on a Wednesday.  I'm watching Tom and Jerry.  Unfortunately, it's almost over and there is nothing else on.  I don't normally (ever) get up this early, but Zach has gone to work and I can't sleep.  


Maybe it's because everything sucks.  And I hate myself for thinking everything sucks, because it really doesn't.  


I feel absolutely saturated in disappointment because my graduation was supposed to be the highlight of my year, a celebration with pictures of myself and my happy family on the stadium field,  but it was the worst.  I spent the entire day either exhausted or in tears.  And I've cried like a baby about it every day since.  
I needed that moment.  


And I hate myself for my lack of ability to just get over it.  It really was no one's fault.  Normally, I'm really good about recognizing what I can't change and moving on.  


And to add insult to injury, I have to be out of my house by tomorrow evening.  I can't say that it won't be a little bit of a relief for something new, but this was my home away from home for two years.  Although we had our drama, this house will be remembered as the peak of my college.  We had a lot of laughs.  Group naps.  Decathalons.  Say Yes to the Dress marathons.


And it's over.  And I'm moving home.  Home, while my friends are leaving the state or spending summers helping others.  Home where my mom is and where I'm safe and where I don't have to spend money.  


Plus, my engagement, for all of the excitement it means, and trust me, I'm excited, means A LOT of changes.  Giving up Hogan holiday traditions.  Giving up my last name.  


And I wish I had a full time job to be proud of or to look forward to, even to dread.  Something other than the abyss of planlessness while I live at home and commute to my crappy part time job in Lawrence.  


I don't want to hear about how grateful I should be, because I know.  I know and I really am and in time, I'll blog about how awesome everything is.  
Just let me get this out.  


Kate

Sparkliest Promise Ever

I'm ENGAGED!  I can't take my eyes of the ring except to look at the man I love.  I'm so freaking excited.

I also don't even know where to begin. 

But mostly I'm tired and I'm writing because my roomates blogged today.

Gotta keep up. 
Eventually I'll type up something insightful.

But I've been engaged for a week and I'm pretty sure the excitement never ever ends. 
Seriously guys, the ring is STUNNING. 

Zach is the greatest. 

-Kate

Effington

I have this dress that is the perfect shade of KU blue.  It waits patiently unworn in my closet for May 22nd, 2011. 

At this point in my life, I am trying to determine what it means to be Kate Hogan at age 22.

22 is a peculiar age in itself for anyone.  I am not 21 anymore, so that stigma is gone.  But I'm now a 20 something.  I am graduating from college in almost exactly one month.  I have good friends who are married.  Good friends who are engaged.  Good friends who are leaving the state soon to pursure careers.  Good friends who are still going to be living their college life.  Good friends, who, like me, will move back to their parent's homes in May.  Good friends who are combinations of those.  At 22 plus or minus some, we are all in different places in our lives. 

I've got this movie in my mind of Effington. 

I feel as if I have a self who desires to be barefoot, unbrushed hair with my nose ring in talking about peace and the love of a God I once really knew, who wants to spend large amounts of time in nature rain or shine.  Somebody who doesn't like to be fussy and just wants to live an unstructured life, following my heart and intuition. 

I have another self who wants to feel pulled together and be the ever so stylish and classy leader.  Part of me really yearns for a set schedule and regularity and consistency.  With a desk job and safety and normalcy.  Part of me wants to be an intellect.  I want to be really knowledgable about whatever I do. 

I have a self that aches for the past.  I've never gotten over that.  That tears up looking at pictures of myself with Jason or coming across a piece of paper from Institute.  Or outright cries while watching the video from my summer with Project Transformation. 

But I am still part my mother who is easy going and fun loving, yet focused and easily makes conversation.  And I am still part my father who adores relaxation, family time, little luxeries and has a tendency to spontaneously spend. 

I just wish to close my eyes and feel like I'm both sure of and content with who I am.  Clarity.  But there are too many unsure things.   

Normal people do it too.

I imagine I am on the brink of a betrothal to a certrain young man and I'm quite eager for it.  But that makes this point in my life more undefinable.  I am not yet engaged.  But I am more than just a girlfriend I think. 

As I am searching for a full time job (not to mention trying to narrow down a career path) I am trying to reconcile these many Kates.

When my mind feels so scrambly, I tighten the circle of people who I called friends. 

But in approximately 5 weeks I will walk down the hill in that blue dress. 
With a KU pin, I will sing the Alma Mater. 

Making my way to Normal, Illinois.

Word.
-Kate