Effington

I have this dress that is the perfect shade of KU blue.  It waits patiently unworn in my closet for May 22nd, 2011. 

At this point in my life, I am trying to determine what it means to be Kate Hogan at age 22.

22 is a peculiar age in itself for anyone.  I am not 21 anymore, so that stigma is gone.  But I'm now a 20 something.  I am graduating from college in almost exactly one month.  I have good friends who are married.  Good friends who are engaged.  Good friends who are leaving the state soon to pursure careers.  Good friends who are still going to be living their college life.  Good friends, who, like me, will move back to their parent's homes in May.  Good friends who are combinations of those.  At 22 plus or minus some, we are all in different places in our lives. 

I've got this movie in my mind of Effington. 

I feel as if I have a self who desires to be barefoot, unbrushed hair with my nose ring in talking about peace and the love of a God I once really knew, who wants to spend large amounts of time in nature rain or shine.  Somebody who doesn't like to be fussy and just wants to live an unstructured life, following my heart and intuition. 

I have another self who wants to feel pulled together and be the ever so stylish and classy leader.  Part of me really yearns for a set schedule and regularity and consistency.  With a desk job and safety and normalcy.  Part of me wants to be an intellect.  I want to be really knowledgable about whatever I do. 

I have a self that aches for the past.  I've never gotten over that.  That tears up looking at pictures of myself with Jason or coming across a piece of paper from Institute.  Or outright cries while watching the video from my summer with Project Transformation. 

But I am still part my mother who is easy going and fun loving, yet focused and easily makes conversation.  And I am still part my father who adores relaxation, family time, little luxeries and has a tendency to spontaneously spend. 

I just wish to close my eyes and feel like I'm both sure of and content with who I am.  Clarity.  But there are too many unsure things.   

Normal people do it too.

I imagine I am on the brink of a betrothal to a certrain young man and I'm quite eager for it.  But that makes this point in my life more undefinable.  I am not yet engaged.  But I am more than just a girlfriend I think. 

As I am searching for a full time job (not to mention trying to narrow down a career path) I am trying to reconcile these many Kates.

When my mind feels so scrambly, I tighten the circle of people who I called friends. 

But in approximately 5 weeks I will walk down the hill in that blue dress. 
With a KU pin, I will sing the Alma Mater. 

Making my way to Normal, Illinois.

Word.
-Kate