I am vulnerable. Sometimes I just feel too much. Sometimes it's like I'm swollen with feeling. I can feel my emotions pumping through my veins. They swirl. With every step, I'm teaming with thoughts.
In the last 3 months, I promised a man I would marry him, graduated college, moved out of my Mass House and back into my parents' home, and now, quit my job.
So, now that I have stretches of time to just think, I decided I'm going to channel my 18 year old self.
Because, let's face it, 18 year old Kate was fabulous. 18 year old Kate felt free, never doubted religion, had plans. She ran (ok, jogged) daily, was experimental and fell in love with her major. She was freshly tattooed and totally a hippie. 18 year old Kate was a barista at a crappy coffee shop. Of course, I was hilarious. And all I wanted out of life was to be good, to love everyone, to know myself.
I was so much cooler than I am now.
So 22 year old Kate has high standards to meet. If I don't regrasp myself, I'll all but dissolve.
So here's the plan: no plan. Let it fall into place. I'm keeping my nose ring (the ring, not the stud) in, because I'm not working for Bed Bath and Beyond anymore. I'm going to sleep in my pearls. I'm going to watch Friends and Glee and let myself fall to pieces so I can move on.
I'm going to be face the world with Zach right by my side and it's going to be okay.
On a less melancholy note, I'm going to have a good week.
-Kate
Yesterday I had my 1 year review at Bed Bath and Beyond. Everything was great, I'm above average, I'm well versed in the entire store, front end, soft lines, hard lines and I'm a great Bridal Consultant and those are things you find at every store. So can I have a raise? Absolutely. 17 cents. Wtf.
So, it's been about 6 weeks since I graduated from KU. And on this beautiful day, where it's about 75 degrees outside, my dogs are playing, I got to sleep in til at least 11:30. But at 2:45, I have to leave Topeka for a closing shift starting at 3:30. That commute is so much wasted time.
I still work at Bed Bath and Beyond. In Lawrence. Why? That's a great question. I stay because I need to make money. Even though I'm living at home, I still would drive to Lawrence to see Zach. And I want to put money aside for our wedding. I don't transfer to Topeka, because I don't want to be there that much longer. But I honestly haven't poured my heart into finding a job. Like career job.
I'd like to find something that I couldn't have gotten without my degrees. But I don't have a plan. Before I graduated, I didn't really, seriously think about how to make a career out of a Linguistics major and a Classical Antiquities major and an English minor. I have no idea what I want to do. I could tell you all the things I don't want to do.
But there isn't a career path for people with majors like mine.
And I feel like I work 7+ hours every other day. I have no regular days off. So I don't have chances to fix up my resume, drive around picking up applications, browse online for jobs. Not enough time. I've considered just leaving my job. It'd give me the time I need to clear my head. That's what I said before I graduated. I was going to move home and then there'd be time to clear my head, down time, time to think. But there'd be no income. And I'm the one who pays my loans.
There it is. I mean, that is the trapping reality of life. I have to make money. Because I'm in debt. I have to do it. There is no more down time.
I'm going to request to cut my hours back. That's what I'll do. It's a decent compromise. I want to talk it out with Zach first, but I'd still make enough money to pay loans and save some for the wedding. But I'll have more time. That's what I need. Time.
Ok, ok. Done.
