On Love and Sadness

It's 8am on a Wednesday.  I'm watching Tom and Jerry.  Unfortunately, it's almost over and there is nothing else on.  I don't normally (ever) get up this early, but Zach has gone to work and I can't sleep.  


Maybe it's because everything sucks.  And I hate myself for thinking everything sucks, because it really doesn't.  


I feel absolutely saturated in disappointment because my graduation was supposed to be the highlight of my year, a celebration with pictures of myself and my happy family on the stadium field,  but it was the worst.  I spent the entire day either exhausted or in tears.  And I've cried like a baby about it every day since.  
I needed that moment.  


And I hate myself for my lack of ability to just get over it.  It really was no one's fault.  Normally, I'm really good about recognizing what I can't change and moving on.  


And to add insult to injury, I have to be out of my house by tomorrow evening.  I can't say that it won't be a little bit of a relief for something new, but this was my home away from home for two years.  Although we had our drama, this house will be remembered as the peak of my college.  We had a lot of laughs.  Group naps.  Decathalons.  Say Yes to the Dress marathons.


And it's over.  And I'm moving home.  Home, while my friends are leaving the state or spending summers helping others.  Home where my mom is and where I'm safe and where I don't have to spend money.  


Plus, my engagement, for all of the excitement it means, and trust me, I'm excited, means A LOT of changes.  Giving up Hogan holiday traditions.  Giving up my last name.  


And I wish I had a full time job to be proud of or to look forward to, even to dread.  Something other than the abyss of planlessness while I live at home and commute to my crappy part time job in Lawrence.  


I don't want to hear about how grateful I should be, because I know.  I know and I really am and in time, I'll blog about how awesome everything is.  
Just let me get this out.  


Kate